Saturday, January 5, 2019

Helllllooooo....



Wow.

Did you know I even had a blog?! I was worried I wouldn't remember the password to log in.

Sigh...I won't even attempt to apologize for the silence on this space. And I certainly won't promise that in 2019 there will be more blog posts. Of course, that's what I'd like to have happen, but...let's count how many times I've said that in the past and see where we've gotten?

But as it goes with the end of the year, I've been reflecting about the last 365 days and this journey God has us on.

Honestly, I really miss writing on this space. Several people commented on our furlough that they loved reading the blog just to get an inside look at life here. Last year was hard fought on every level and at the end of the day--some that seemed like they'd never end--I just had nothing to put into words.

I had my fair share of fear in 2018. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of making sure my words were "just right" on this space and if they weren't...the fear of being criticized. I feel like the enemy has been using that fear to disable me on so many levels. Isn't that just what he wants to do? Strike in our weakness (pick yours) tell us we're not good enough. Then we slither away to our selfish, introspective worlds, all the while feeling inadequate, defeated and silenced. And when we do that, guess what? He wins.

I'm not an eloquent or motivational writer or speaker. I tend to be more of a "realist", a "tell it like it is" person and lack some tack. (If you really don't want to know what I think, don't take me shopping with you!) Age hasn't helped that personality trait. I don't like whining (ask my kids!) and as I thought about writing on this space last year,  I didn't want to come across as being a whining missionary :)

As inadequate as it will be, my renewed attempt on this space will be to share the real life...the good, bad and sometimes ugly part of our little corner of the world. I'm tired of feeling defeated, fearful and silent. In the end, hopefully you'll see that really nothing is about me/us and everything is about the Lord.

So...what now?

With the arrival of 2019, we begin our 6th year here. 2018 was an adjustment year as we came back to the life we have grown to love. We settled in to a new routine, a new job for me, changes for Jason's job, new school grades for the kids (um, hello...we have a high schooler now??), new friendships, sorely missing our family back home...the list could go on. So while things were familiar on our arrival so much was unchartered territory. Over the years we've found missions life to be full of constant transition and change. Change is our "normal" life.

But God.

Through all the adjustments, challenges and heartache, I saw His hand in the details. I've had to trust Him and be reminded of His promises more than ever before. I've had to cling to Him when I had nothing else would do. Even though I've known this for years, I was reminded over and over again that my own strength, my own will, wasn't going to carry me, our family and what we were going through at the time. I only need Him. I can't have it any other way. It just doesn't work.

2019 will no doubt bring it's own challenges. We are already aware of some big changes on the horizon. Am I ready? Did I learn anything from last year? I pray I have.

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